Things (And feelings) I Am Afraid Of.

I realized I have a lot of things I am afraid of facing as the days goes by. My Tito went to our home last week and as he was saying goodbye to me while he's a little tipsy, he kept on telling me that if I bring my 'boyfriend' into our next reunion, is that it would be fine if he's not that good looking but someone who is responsible enough for our future.

I cringed with the idea of me bringing someone in our reunion. And it got me thinking of all the things I am scared of ever since up to now.

1. Being romantically involved. I have had failed relationships before and most of them were because of me. I only liked the chase when they weren't interested in me. And when they did gave me their attention, I kind of liked it. Until I started to hate it.

2. Commitments I gave just because I had to. 

3. Being pregnant and giving birth. I once told my mother that I feel like I should just adopt if the time comes because I think it's practical and many children are in need of care. When I started watching Grey's Anatomy, I never understand Dr. Yang's decision not to have a biological child. Who's crazy enough not to want to have a child of their own someday? But I got older. I got scared of 'what ifs' on my mind. What if my baby would have a rare disease? What if he or she would have deformities? What if I can't take care of him or her and when the time comes, he or she would tell me that he or she wish she wasn't born at all? Even the idea of being scared scares me. Ugh. But a lot of women even my mom got pregnant and gave birth, so..

4. Marriage. 1+2 = 4.

5. My body not responding to medications when I am old. I don't drink medicines unless the pain I was feeling just plainly irritates me (I can tolerate pain to certain extent and even enjoy it) when I am going out or when I needed to do something ASAP. If not, I just let it be or sleep it over. I read a few articles saying that when a person is younger and their body became comfortable in drinking medicines, they would be needing stronger ones after a while until their body would be so used to it that they won't be effective anymore. I can tolerate it now, I don't know when I am old. So it's one of my fears.

6. Me being idealistic. I am afraid of this characteristic of mine because I am not getting any younger and this hinders me not just in finding myself but I also feel that it hinders me with other opportunities that can make me grow as a person.

7. Loving someone so hard that I would feel my heart tearing up in pain. This excites and scare me at the same time. 

8. Sleep paralysis. I don't know if I am just lucky or what but I never had a nightmare, even a bad dream. The worse one that I remember is my grandfather drying because of Illuminati and we were in a TV SERIES where I will find a rebel Illuminati to bring my grand father back. Although I hadn't had the chance to make him come back, I don't take it seriously. And sleep paralysis is the worst or the worst. I didn't even like reading articles about it.

9. The ocean. It scares me just by thinking of how deep it is. Whenever I use google map and I had to use the Satellite mode, I skip past the bluest oceans because I already feel like I am drowning. Whenever I swim, I panick if my feet aren't touching the ocean floor anymore.

10. When a family member's in a hospital specially when I had to go there. Hospitals were fine for me before, until my father died almost 3 years ago. I was the one taking care of him on his last night and although he was a little out of his wits, he's fine, he was just sleeping and waking up. Until patients started to be brought in the emergency room in front of where he was. I witnessed a few families crying when the doctor announced that their relative was gone. I teared up. Then the next day my father died. The first time I had to go to a hospital again after that was when my grand father had to be brought to a nearby hospital. One night in there and the next morning, I had a fever. But I had to come back still because I had red dots on my arms and my blood's really thick. They wanted me to stay to be observed but I insisted on just becoming an out patient. After that I just don't want to go to any hospital. Hospitals makes me sad and I am afraid of seeing people dying with my own eyes. I also saw people ask or beg for doctors or nurse. I just can't take it.

11. That the gas tank might explode. I don't know, I have been always afraid of thinking that our gas tank or any gas tank near me would explode.

12. Meeting my doppelganger. I received a text message from one of my friends saying she saw me in Trinoma earlier that time, and that I am with someone so she didn't call me or approached me anymore. She's been my friend for years even before that, so when she says she saw me, I would believe. But the problem was I wasn't in Trinoma at that time. I was attending my classes in PUP at the time she said she saw me. A few other people told me too, that they saw me somewhere while I am somewhere else or I am just at home. People who have been close to me and have been my friends my for quite a while and I am afraid of meeting my doppelganger. Seriously.

13. Ending this year not able to be successful on my plans for this year. I feel like this year should make or break it.

What are the things (and feelings) that you are afraid of?

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