I asked for it, and when it was granted, I was never the same.

My life for the last 7 years isn't necessarily dull, but over time, I realized that I am missing something. I am happy and contented being single, and I think that the occasional feeling of being lonely and wanting a companion is normal especially if you've been in a good relationship before being single for too long.

I used to cringe whenever people, especially relatives, are picking on me for being unattached. I haven't brought anyone to introduce to the family yet and I think that fact kind of makes them more curious about that side of my life. I am the eldest grandchild on both my mother's and father's side, so technically, everyone's looking forward to me to be in a relationship of some kind and I understand. But I wasn't about to tell them that I don't want to be in a relationship because I am the problem. I lose interest after a month or so and it's hard to break up when I know that they actually really loved me.

So I decided to just stay away and just do my thing. Relationships became a taboo for me.

Fast forward to a year ago, I wasn't really sure how it started but it came to a point in my life that I feel like I was being too 'rational' in some way. Most people know me for being upfront when it comes to giving advice, especially relationship ones. Yes, some people actually open up to me and asks for my opinion even though they knew I haven't been in a relationship for years! Well, to be fair, I have my fair share of a few encounters here and there but there was never someone constant to be called my 'boyfriend'.

Some friends tell me that I should find someone that can make me realize that my rational thinking won't really work much once I already have feelings for that someone. It has been too long, so I actually wanted to challenge myself. I wondered what it will be like if I am the one chasing someone I already liked so much? I always loved the chase, but whenever the chasing stops, that's when I had to look for another 'one' to chase and I know that it sounds bad but that's why I didn't really intend to do it anymore.

So I asked for someone to come so that I can experience pain, joy and all the things I should have experienced so I can relate to most people. I kept on asking for it.

And it came like a wrecking ball.

At first, I didn't recognize it. I was just doing my own thing, being myself. Until slowly, I feel like drowning. Drowning of thinking about him. It wasn't healthy because I was so damn distracted, there were nights that I was sleepless thinking about him even though I tried to stop myself. I hated that he affected me that much. I am not used to this, the feeling was just too much.

Fuck, is this it? I often ask myself.

And then there are these little things that he does that made me realize that he can actually be my karma. The way he treats me made me went back to the times where I would treat other men the same. In my defense, I did that so they'd stop their interest in me, it's like indirectly saying that they won't get anything out of talking or interacting with me. I am not confrontational and I was used in doing this ever since. It wasn't pleasant, but it's better than for them to think that we're having a mutual understanding.

Don't get me wrong. He treats me well. Special, if I may add, most of the time. But there are these things that he does that he may not be aware of that makes me hate myself. Now I'm on the other end of the rope and I didn't like it. I feel worse now that I am the one experiencing it.

At first, I thought that maybe it was just like the other thing. You know? Maybe it'll fade after a month or two. It didn't. Well, maybe it'll fade after a few more months because you know, it's been so long since the last time I liked someone and maybe I was just savoring it or something. It didn't. While typing this, it has been a year and though I learned to be still, I am not totally over him.

Yes, I was trying to get over him for some reason.. and the year that has passed taught me that I have to. I should.

I couldn't count the times I had to cry because I was so damn frustrated. I hated that I want him so bad but I know I couldn't. It was painful to realize that no matter how much I wanted to know where he's been, what did he do that day, did he ever think of me, I'll never have the answer because I don't even have the rights to ask in the first place. And he won't probably tell me because why would he?!

I became content with what he can give, as the day goes by. I learned to appreciate the little things even I knew in myself that I can give him more if he'd just ask in a heartbeat. I despised feeling like I'm in some kinda spell. The things that I used to question other people for doing so for someone that they love, I actually did for him. It was like a joke that was so funny. I laughed when I realized that I was doing it but I was happy.

Yeah. I was actually genuinely happy. It was a different kind of happiness. I was happy being single and unattached, but the happiness I felt with him was something I'm afraid I might start to be addicted to. And that's the thing I am most afraid of.

I tortured myself thinking that the pain would be too much that I'd just shut down and forget that I was in love. Hell, am I even in love? I don't know anymore. I tried to put my interest in others, but it seems like I was still too drowned to him.

The way I shiver every time he'd look at me, or every time he'd say something that can make me lose my sanity, the way he'd make me feel like I was the prettiest in the room. I wanted to be selfish and just have it all for me.

But I can't.

I wanted to swim away, with just the right distance so I can breathe. So I can be my old self again and be in control.

Yeah. I know I can do that.

When? Only time can tell.

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